Having walked with me through some of the chapters of my story I was counseled by legal and clergy advisors to go ‘no contact’ with my Malignant Narcissist (MN). “Stay away from him. Do not respond to his attempts to draw you into interaction.” “We are dealing with a sociopath.” “He is a narcissist.” My attorney’s had seen how callous and deceitful my MN was. The pastor I’d counseled with also recommended ‘no contact’ when we discussed that my ex was stalking me, having people watch me and having ‘friends turned foe’ contact me so they could report back to him. In theory ‘no contact’ is definitely sound advice. However, when you set strong boundaries and remain immovable, it angers the MN that they no longer control you. They will do whatever they can to try to get you to bend.
The judge awarded me personal property as part of our divorce settlement yet my ex wouldn’t allow me into the house to retrieve it. He’d found out that I was moving out of state and refused to allow me in the house to get my property. He stalled as my move date got closer and when I finally was permitted access he had his sisters there. One of them repeatedly walked past the room I was in packing my belongings watching me as if I was going to steal something. It was my house, my belongings, and she somehow felt justified to scrutinize and try to intimidate me. The second time, the other sister and my ex sat in a room with a foul f-bombing DVD playing loudly. My ex knows that profane language is offensive to me. His tactic was nothing more than mockery, forcing me to have to listen to something invasive to my spirit.
As I write this, the first of May I haven’t seen support since December. It is nothing more than an attempt for me to cross the boundary I set. Understand, when you are dealing with a personality disorder they have no conscience. They have no moral compass. They mock you, they bait you, they try to lure you back into their trap. It’s a game to them and since the judicial system is broken, there is no accountability. It is a hook, baiting me to contact him.
Four years ago he stopped paying support for more than a year. Subsequently he took me back to court claiming that he couldn’t pay the spousal support awarded me because his income had dropped dramatically. During the hearing he admitted to my attorney, while under oath and in front of the judge, that he was receiving tax-free income. He listed the amount of spousal support he was supposed to have paid rather than what he’d actually paid. Hence the tax return he’d submitted as evidence was fraudulent. He also admitted that he had not disclosed additional bank accounts he had. Still the judge ruled in his favor reducing support by 40%. Did he begin to pay support on the date set by the judge? No. He has not, in 7 years, paid support regularly. I set up an account at a bank that was available in both states that we were living in. I set it up expressly for him to deposit into for his convenience. I have to look daily to see if he has deposited support. Another hook, to manipulate and control.
So what is my ex-MN about to do? If I try to think like his psychotic mind I would imagine that once again he is planning to put me at a financial disadvantage so that he can drag me once again into court forcing me to hire another attorney. Again I would have to interact with him via the courtroom. His goal is to financially ruin me. It has been his attempt since I walked away from his pathologically disordered life. I will address the financial aspect at length in another post.
This kind of behavior is not average. It is the behavior of someone who’s thought process is abnormal and deviant. While this is the side of the MN that I lived with, the personality that the outside world experiences is one of charm and charisma. Malignant Narcissist’s (MN) have learned to be alluring from mirroring healthy individuals. It’s why they target empathetic, kind and compassionate people.
This is not the post of a bitter, angry ex-wife. I am no longer trapped in that cage of his conflicted lifestyle. As I began to share with others those years with my now ex-MN I have been told repeatedly, “you sound like you’re talking about my ex (or friend’s ex, or ex brother in law). This is a covert attack on the women of today and because the women aren’t likely to stand up and talk about the abuse they endure behind closed doors, it goes undetected and has grown to epidemic proportions. My hope is that as I continue to reveal the deviant mind of the Narcisstic Personality Disordered individual that I was married to for 30 years that it will bring light to a malady that is plaguing wives who are trapped because they believe in commitment and “till death do us part”.
If someone reaches out to you and tells you they are being abused by a sociopath or psychopath, don’t immediately think they are lying or exaggerating because the person you see seems like a nice, outstanding person. Superficial charm is one of the top criteria for people with personality disorders. It’s quite likely the anti-social predator will appear nicer, more honest and more interesting than the person who is being abused. They have been practicing and perfecting their façade since childhood when they suffered emotional trauma. Their exterior performance is impeccable while their victim, who is hiding their hurt and pain, comes across as the unstable party. My biggest heartache was drowning in a sea of pain, reaching out for help and being pushed further under the waves of despair by the very people who should have championed to my side. I implore you, don’t be one of them.